I left my abusive husband on January 30th. There was a separation support hearing on 2/8, in which I was awarded just under 3k/month in support while we work through our divorce. Naturally he was livid about that & immediately filed for what they call a “de novo” hearing in which his lawyer & mine get to argue our respective cases in front of an actual judge, under oath, in an actual fancy courtroom.
First off, he still owes 5k of back support he has screamed at me more than once that he’s never going to pay. I had to borrow money from a friend of mine who is fully disabled with a very serious condition & is on a fixed income to move into an apartment – something I never would have done had I realized he could just…not pay & no one but me would care. I called the court, I called the police – they were both like “oh, that’s too bad – well, good luck!” So much was happening yesterday in this hearing but I’m hoping the judges new support order trues this back support up somehow b/c I am legit worried about eating, & more importantly – paying my friend back.
My lawyer, whom I have not yet paid b/c I have no money (he knows this, he’s doing me the favor of working for me now under a signed if yet unpaid retainer agreement), turned out to be from the Bronx, so we got along really well in that East coast way & I believe I saw the Bronx in him come out a bit later in court when he was cross examining my husband, who was trying to imply he barely makes any money (he is slated to make 300k in 2021, he may do better than that as he has never missed his number. He may be a lying gay former prosititute, but he is fucking amazing at sales. Actually I guess that tracks). Within about 30 seconds, my very rattled husband was saying “yes, I guess I’d have to say that I’m very good at my job.” My rumpled, Columbo-esque lawyer argued exactly the way I fought when I competed in tae kwon do or boxing: cheerfully, dispassionately but brutally & effectively. I almost never lost, so hopefully that’s a good sign.
When it was my turn to testify, I felt a complete asshole, b/c either Cushing’s or MS is making my leg muscles really weak (although a current steroid regime seems to be helping, yay!), so getting up from a chair takes…a long time & does not look pretty. I couldn’t help feeling like a liar who walked into a personal injury hearing wearing a fake neck brace (this is funny to me b/c as I type this, my leg is on fire with pain that is untouched by anything short of unconsciousness. More funny sad than funny hahah but I’ll take my laughs where I can get them these days. Dark humor is one benefit to Irishness). The judge seemed really nice though & made me feel less foolish when she said I could just testify from my seat at the counsel table rather than Igor-ing my way up to the witness stand. I should’ve probably done that, just to demonstrate how difficult just moving through space is for me, but my stupid pride made me sit right there. My useless pride fucking up my life is a theme for me so, Ryan wasn’t the only one on brand yesterday.
So anyway, during my cross examination by Ryan’s lawyer, he set out to prove I was lying about being physically unable to work more than part time. I don’t know what the judge was listening for so I don’t know that my impression is correct, but I’m pretty sure that went disastrously for him. This dude is a major Chad, perfect tailored suit, very expensive shoes, frat guy rape face (not implying anything about him ofc just – you know that face & attitude) & he treated me exactly as you’d expect, which was great for me b/c I’ve been eating Chads’ lunch for like 30 years.
First my own lawyer just asked me to describe why I had stopped working in the first place. I told the entire truth, which is that Ryan encouraged me not to, after I had walking/talking blackouts at the last two jobs I had. The last of which was at a very old jewelers in Boston & during which I lost an actual gemstone (which turned out to be worthless thank god). Then it was Ryan’s lawyer’s chance to cross examine me.
His plan seemed to be to make me admit to lying about being physically unable to work more than part time. I don’t know what the judge was listening for so I don’t know that my impression is correct, but I’m pretty sure that went disastrously for him (bc it’s not true). This dude is a major Chad, perfect tailored suit, very expensive shoes, frat guy rape face (not implying anything about him ofc just – you know that face & attitude) & he treated me exactly as you’d expect, which was great for me b/c I’ve been eating Chads’ lunch for like 30 years.
First my own lawyer just asked me to describe why I had stopped working in the first place. I told the entire truth, which is that Ryan encouraged me not to, after I had walking/talking blackouts at the last two jobs I had. The last of which was at a very old jewelers in Boston & during which I lost an actual gemstone (which turned out to be worthless thank god). Then it was Ryan’s lawyer’s chance to cross examine me.
Chad: “So, you are doing this job successfully?”
Me: “so far, for one week & 8 hours.”
Chad: “So your ‘disability’ doesn’t affect you?”
Me: “Ha, no, it definitely does, b/c of the tumor or lesion on my pituitary gland I have severe advanced cataracts, so it’s really hard to see the tiny numbers that are the core of my job. And people keep asking me if im injured when they see me walk & i’m terrified they’ll fire me when they find out I’m sick. And of course, I have no idea when I might black out again.”
Chad: “uhhhhhh, so you drive to this job? that doesn’t worry you?”
Me: “omg yes, it terrifies me. I worry about it every second i’m on the road, I’m terrified I’ll hurt someone. But Ryan screamed at me multiple times that he was going to use his money & lawyers to “crush me” & “put me in the gutter,” so I thought I had to try”
Chad: stares at me, then turns to judge to say, “that’s all your honor.”
Again, i don’t know that any of this will affect the judge’s decision, but i did enjoy seeing That Look on Chad’s face. oh sorry, sweetie – did Ryan not warn you that I’m almost impossible to intimidate? Guess you should’ve spent that tailoring time practicing a bit more.
Now I just await the judge’s decision. I fully expect the amount of support to go down – terrified is a better word but at least I’m prepared for the worst. But I also (& my doctor’s believe) really believe I’m so so close to a diagnosis of either Cushing’s disease or MS, either of which would call for an appeal & be impossible for any lawyer to argue against so…fingers crossed.
I wish to god I didn’t need a cent from Ryan, I honestly never want to see him again. I just want the chance to work, go to school & then work part time as a social worker for the rest of my life. Just a chance. And as I said yesterday on FB, & my friend & lawyer both said, I deserve some recompense for being Ryan’s unloved housekeeper, decorator, laundry doer, animal carer, dog trainer, gardener, cheerleader, family present purchaser & any other goddamn thing you can think of for a decade of my life.
He lied & gaslighted & abused me for 9 years, here’s hoping this hearing was the end of that.
Clare de Lunatic 