I’ll admit gladly to some scary things I’ve done. Bad things. Illegal things. Dangerous things.

But I rarely get my feelings hurt (hurray my autism’s ability to turn off empathy & basicsllly everything else when needed). But yesterday, I got unexpectedly crushed. I have to tell someone but I’m truly ashamed so here I am.

I still buy what we call bloops from my not yet ex husband. It’s concentrated mj that is the only thing I’ve ever found that alleviates the really severe pain so I can sleep, so I can work.

So, I met him yesterday & when getting out of his car – had this episode, it felt like something was tearing away in my stomach. My first insane thought was I’d somehow been disemboweled & I actually yelled, dropped my nice bag & clutched my abdomen thinking I’d be holding my own intestines, already thinking one of the weird things that really stuck with me from the fire department: if someone’s guts are on the outside, don’t put them inside. Which sadly never came up in my career but I will never forget it. It’ll be the weird thing I say when I’m a super haunted old hag! In like an hour.

Anyway, husband acted super concerned “be careful, text me when you get home, etc.”. I started throwing undigested blood (I have several bleeding ulcers that I guess have gotten worse, or my platelets are hella low) & when I got home so I told him that. in the words of the inimitable Julia Roberts, this was a a big mistake. HUGE.

He sent me back this message. And it absolutely crushed me. I thought after not living together for 6 months, we cared about each other as friends. I thought we were friends. I’m so happy all the time now, meeting him is usually a fun catch up. I assumed he felt the same. But he was just doing what he’s always done: pretending to give any shit about me whatsoever for reasons he will never ever explain. Which now that I think about it means he’s likely afraid I’ll find something financial out before the divorce in final. Maybe this’ll turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

But today I just woke up devasted & let him know (he’ll never respond) that he can introduce me to his local guy or I’ll just go introduce myself. Husband never did learn decent op sec bc he’s constantly high af, I’ll have no issues finding the kid.

But goddamn, he got me again. And it hurts. My former baby shot me down, & unlike Nancy Sinatra, it’s my own damn fault.