Came home, not bc I thought things would be fixed, but bc the stress of living in someone else’s (even though she’s the nicest person I’ve ever met & I genuinely adore her & her beautiful home) was keeping me from sleeping for days & that greatly exacerbates all my stupid symptoms.

I called him last night sobbing bc I needed him to finally get the insurance info from his very high earning big deal new job & I was going to have to go to the ER.

The next morning, I called him to try to have a fast conversation about when he could come help me load my car back up & I shit you not, he said he “a lot meetings this afternoon.” The entire right side of my body doesn’t work. He knows this as it’s been a slow slide the last 5 years but I’d also JUST told him how bad a shape I was in.

So when I got home, with my right arm now actually not usable at all bc I packed up my own car, bc the man who said he desperately wanted me back had wanted me to beg for his help, it was like he was just waiting to pick up where we left off.

He called me “a trashy bitch,” (that’s for having this blog), which like all things he screams at me, I already knew. dear, I’m Irish, we’re the OG white trash & ive known that my entire life. I’d tattoo that shit on my forehead bc my brain allowed me out of that cycle. It’s always funny when he thinks something he hates about me is going to surprise me. Not all of us hide from ourselves, I know who I am.

And what I’m not, which are the other things he screamed at me: a “narcissistic cunt” & a “fucking monster.” I honestly just laughed & said “you know you’re literally just screaming this at your mother, right? She’s the person who wants to hurt you purposely. She’s the person who has proven repeatedly she is untrustworthy & unsafe in every possible way.”

I’m sure he get there eventually, but I don’t believe I’ll stick around to find out if it takes another 30 years while he scream misogynistic invective at me.